As parents and people, we all have those moments when we love our children and significant others to the moon and back, but at others, we want to pull our hair out too.
Let’s be honest, as parents and people, we all have those moments when we love our children and significant others to the moon and back, but at others, we want to pull our hair out too! It’s a love-hate relationship that we can’t deny. And it’s okay to admit it because parenting and adulting are hard, in fact, one of the hardest jobs and roles we will ever have…so let’s have some compassion for ourselves (as it didn’t come with a manual, and neither did we really grow up). Time to (re)start where it all started.
So, Why did you decide to become a parent?
I get many variations of “I had so much love to give”, “I wanted a big family”, “I wanted the same dynamics as I had with my siblings,” “I think I make an amazing mom/dad,” and so on. The only common theme here is the word “I”. Well, “I” is egoic and for the individual, so can we take ownership that we had our kids not from so much altruism and selflessness but more from a place of selfishness?
While there are themes of selfless love in parenting, a large part of it is not. When we buy into this myth that parenting is a selfless act, we also simultaneously adorn the halo of ‘martyrdom’…and it’s here where things become downright problematic because when we parents feel like martyrs and victims, our relationship moves away from one of connection to the transactional… to what I call the “if-then” model. The idea of a prisoner-warden relationship.. where the parent is the warden and the kid the prisoner and rewards and punishments are dished out on the go. When this relationship reverses we feel further victimized resulting in more ‘hate’ than love in the love-hate scenario (yes, I’ve been told too.. hate is a very strong emotion).
Love-hate relationships with our children and other close relationships are normal, as it’s essentially the relationship we have with ourselves. So, Let’s name it to tame it.
Conscious parenting is an amazing method that shows us that our kids are our biggest and best teachers…it helps us to reconnect back to ourselves and love the flawsome in us… with this, we will accept all our other relationships to be flawsome.
Now wouldn’t it be amazing to be in flow with the flawsome?
Grateful to each one of you for taking the time to subscribe, read and share this within your community. My intention is to keep this as a 2-way communication, so stay in touch (There are many ways at: www.dr.tanushkamelwani.com)
Tip of the Month
It’s not Personal!
This sentence changed my life.” My child/other is not GIVING me a hard time, they are HAVING a hard time”.
Several years ago, I personalized everything… my narrative read- “I am a bad mom”, “not a good enough friend perhaps”, “only if I tried harder, then they would not leave,” etc. It’s as if I was a ‘puppet’ being ‘puppeteered’ by the ‘others’ in my life, be it my kids, friends, or partner.
It was all about me until I came to understand that it isn’t personal! The ‘other’ is just communicating (albeit in a crazy way) an unmet emotional need. It’s about them and NOT about me. Changing the lens to “it’s not personal” allows you to now enter COMPASSION and take ACTION from a place of CONNECTION.
Don’t take my word for it. Try it out. It’s truly life-changing!
Triggers, Triggers, Triggers!
We all have them, and we also get swept up into dysfunctional dynamics and loops because of them. It’s the landmines within, that ‘others’ in our lives may or may not even know exist!
Either way, my question is regardless of the “stimulus” or “TRIGGER”- why are we losing our s#$%?
Which of the scenarios in the picture ring true for you? Once you realize that the external TRIGGER floods you into feeling fear, anxiety, hopelessness, helplessness, doom, and gloom, you start to enter your predictable and yet dysfunctional PATTERNS. In fact, so predictable are they that it’s almost automatic and robotic. My mentor Dr. Shefali says, we aren’t really living a life.. we live our patterns!
This results in outer reactivity, making it personal only to be followed by blame, shame, and guilt.
You have all made my life more fruitful. The kind messages I receive about how this work is changing your life truly help ground me and get me through my own personal struggles as I move forwards on the conscious parenting path.
I’m here for you if you are ready for this life-changing and paradigm-shifting conversation.